I'm the only thing I'm afraid of
by Dana Norram
Summary: HIATUS / Kurt Hummel was a man with a plan. A very stupid, suicidal plan, indeed. / SLASH / PuckxKurt
1. Prologue

**Title:** I'm the only thing I'm afraid of (1/?)  
**Rating:** PG (so far)  
**Pairing/character(s):** (future) Puck/Kurt  
**Disclaimer:** _So _not mine. D:  
**Summary:** Kurt Hummel was a man with a plan. A very stupid, _suicidal _plan, indeed.  
**Notes:** Spoilers for "Ballads". The title came from "Amazing", song by Kanye West.  
**Warnings:** Hm, a bit of angst and mention of character's death.  
**Thanks to: **the awesome **byte366** (byte366. livejournal. com), who kindly betaed it for me. Like I said, you _can't _exist, honey. Any remains mistakes are mine.

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**I'm the only thing I'm afraid of  
**by Dana Norram

_**Prologue**_

Being scared isn't exactly a new feeling for Kurt Hummel. He could probably say he's lived a considerable part of his sixteen years being afraid of something. When he was four, Kurt used to be so afraid of the dark that every night he climbed onto his parents' bed and could only get some sleep after his mom put an arm over him and then his dad held them both tightly. By his fives he had developed a fear of thunderstorms, but that time his dad didn't let him sleep with them and said _you are a little big for that, aren't you, Kurt?_, so that's when Kurt started to listen to music. He closed his door, pulled the blinds down and put on his headphones and sung along with the music so he could block out the sound of the thunder.

He was glad that had worked so well for him because he knew he just _couldn't_ manage to survive his sixth year if he didn't have his music. He was listening to _Viva Forever_ for the one hundred and fifth time since he and his dad got back home from his mom's funeral. During the whole service he had his headphones on and he remembered seeing his dad yelling at his aunt Mildred when she suggested that Kurt should take them off and show some respect ("_Leave him fucking alone!_" − that was the first time he ever heard his dad say the F word, because he knew he would never dare say that with his mom around. Kurt guessed he would hear it a lot after that day). He didn't eat, didn't change his clothes and didn't face his dad at all, just stayed there inside his room in the dark (he wasn't afraid of that anymore) and sung along with the music. It was as if each word was a tear he hadn't managed to cry until then. The song had just started to play one more time and Kurt was singing "_we'd only just begun_" when he opened his eyes and noticed his dad on his doorstep, the light from the hallway staining his darkness. The look on his dad's face silenced him and Kurt took his headphones off and stepped closer until he could hold his dad's waist tightly, like his dad did for him when he was younger (somehow Kurt felt so much older that time). Nothing could prepare Kurt for the moment his dad started to cry and then to sob. Kurt knew he had never felt more scared in his entire life, but he also knew he couldn't let his dad notice that.

So, yes, Kurt knew what fear feels like. And after his mom's gone and through all those high school years of being shoved against lockers and thrown into dumpsters he had learned how to not show how scared he was. Even if that meant not running away when Puck looked at him like he was ready to tear Kurt apart with his large, bare hands.

"You want me to do _what_?"

Kurt didn't flinch under Puck's (he must say) _psycho_ glare. Because Kurt Hummel was a man with a plan. A very stupid, _suicidal _plan, indeed.

"I want you to tell Finn the truth about Quinn's baby."

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**Notes:** This was originally posted at my Live Journal (_dana-norram. livejournal. com/ 37194. html_). English isn't my first language. Said so, any _constructive_ criticism is very welcome. I would love to know your thoughts! :)


	2. I'm a monster, I'm a maven

**_I'm a monster, I'm a maven_**

It wasn't Mercedes' fault. Really. Kurt must admit he's the one who insisted on the subject.

Later on, the day that all the glee club had sung for Finn and Quinn, he and Mercedes went to the mall to shop for some baby clothes as a present for Quinn. They knew she wasn't keeping the baby at all but they were in the mood. Between all the talking about whether or not to buy the red booties (_"Hellooo_, she's a girl. Everyone will buy her the pink ones. We have to be original", "I don't know, Kurt. My mom always says red isn't a good color for babies. And brides.", "Don't say that. I bet I could marry in red. Red is my color."), Mercedes asked Kurt how things went with Finn.

Mercedes tapped Kurt's back as he talked about the two of them hanging out at Finn's attic, and her eyes bugged out as Kurt told her that Quinn's parents kicked her out. But Kurt only realized Mercedes _knew _something else when she changed the subject out of the blue, starting to babble about her math class. It didn't take Kurt long to make Mercedes talk (Kurt couldn't help but think she still had feelings for him. Okay, so he's a monster, but this was for the greater good) and he probably had his eyes wider than hers as Mercedes blurts out, _Finn is not the father. Puck is_.

Things went downhill after that. Kurt _couldn't _believe Mercedes really told Puck to _back off_ ("Alright, Quinn's life _sucks_, but she should know to _not _sleep with her boyfriend's best friend. They're toying with Finn, Mercedes, don't you see that?"). In the end, the drive back happened in a total and heavy silence. The only thing Mercedes managed to say to him, as Kurt dropped her in front of her house, was a pleading _Don't tell Finn. It's none of our business_ before closing the passenger door behind her.

Kurt couldn't get any real sleep that night, his mind was too full of erratic thoughts. _Puck's the baby's dad_. Quinn slept with Puck and even so, she told Finn he's the father. Kurt couldn't blame her, really. Having to choose between Finn and _Puck_ to be the dad of her child? It's like choosing glee club over football. Still they couldn't do that to Finn. Kurt saw how devastated and worried he was. All that because of a problem that wasn't even _his_?

He cared about Finn and, as he's getting ready for school the next morning (took him an extra twenty minutes to cover up the black bags under his eyes), Kurt decided he _has _to do something about it. He couldn't tell Finn, not only because Mercedes asked him not to, but also because all hell will break loose. And Finn would never believe him over Quinn anyway. Someone else is going to have to do this instead of Kurt.

That's the reason Kurt cornered Puck after football practice in the locker room as soon as all the other players left. Since Kurt always stays behind, Puck didn't recognize something was going on until Kurt literally blocked Puck's way, both hands on his hips, a determined look on his face.

If there had been other people around to watch that scene, most of them would laugh to the point of tears. It's like watching a dolphin challenge a white shark. That thought must've occurred to Puck, because he had a huge grin on his face in the wake of Kurt's daring words. Of course, most people didn't know that a dolphin could _easily_ kill a shark.

"Missing your daily dumpster dive, Hummel? 'Cause I could use a little pick me up right now."

To Puck's credit, he didn't even try to deny Kurt's accusation. Kurt watched in silence as Puck's facial expression turned into something between rage and fear, feeling his chest squeeze a little bit. Just a little. He's wearing a new pair of Colcci jeans and Kurt preferably would like to _not _debut it into a bunch of garbage. Still, he had committed slushicide over his DG raincoat for Finn once. He could do this. Kurt cleared his throat and peered quickly over his shoulder to make sure the two of them were all alone.

"You can't keep hiding this from him. You have no idea what kind of pressure he is under. Please, Finn's your best friend."

Bringing their friendship up made Puck's face look softer. He sighed audibly and ran his hand over the back of his neck, refusing to look at Kurt. However Puck didn't move an inch from his spot or try to push Kurt away (maybe Puck wanted to talk about this with someone, anyone, Kurt thought. That's the only reason he can pick for Puck telling the truth to Mercedes, who wasn't even his friend). Kurt took a deep breath before starting over.

"Did you know Quinn's parents threw her out? And that Finn brought her to live with him in his mother's house? It's not just Finn you're harming for keeping this lie. He had to get a job he didn't need so he could pay for Quinn's medical bills." As he's talking Kurt felt braver than ever. "The medical bills for a child that isn't even his. He has a future and you're taking that from hi-"

Kurt felt the back of his head hit something hard and he closed his eyes as the pain spread inside his skull. Suddenly Kurt couldn't touch the ground under his feet and as he opened his eyes, he notice that Puck had lifted him by his collar (Puck's so gonna _ruin_ his Hugo Boss shirt), his psycho glare back.

"That's none of your business, choir boy" Puck said slowly, his voice trembling. "Quinn's the one who doesn't want to tell him. She said she's gonna swear until her grave Finn's the father."

Puck released him and Kurt leaned on the wall behind him, breathing hard and fast. That's probably the most scary day of his high school life (all the dumpsters and locker shoves considered, Kurt never really experienced that kind of physical pain before), but he wasn't planning on giving up now. Kurt straightened up (picturing Finn singing _I'll Stand By You_ to the empty auditorium) and looked up at Puck like a fighter who's ready for the second round.

"It's not just _her _life. Its the baby's too. And Finn's. How do you think Finn's gonna feel when, I don't know, maybe ten years from now, he discovers that all the pain he suffered through for letting Quinn give 'their' baby up for adoption was over nothing?"

"Listen," Puck cuts him off. "Your faghag told me to back off. So why are you doing this? Why do you care?" Puck asked, his face once again mixed between rage and fear (and is it Kurt, or does Puck also look tired?).

"Finn's scared" Kurt sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "He's scared and even so he's taking this seriously. He's doing something about it. But once he discovers he's been fooled not only by Quinn but also by someone he thinks is his best friend? It would break him."

Kurt expects a punch. Maybe another intimate encounter of his back with a massive wall. He didn't really expect Puck starting to laugh.

"And I bet you will be more than pleased to be there to bring all those pieces together, wouldn't you, Hummel?"

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**A/N: **Thank you all for your kindly reviews. I'm so happy you've been enjoying so far! :)


	3. Holding on to what I believe in

_**Holding on **__**(to what I believe in)**_

Kurt can be many things. People could think he's just a shallow stereotypical gay boy with all his fashion talk and brand name clothes. People could throw food at him because of that and he would mind, but not too much (that's why God invented dry cleaning, after all). Kurt could be at the top of his English class and the worse at Algebra. He could know how to change a tire better than any other guy of his year but still refuse to do it himself if there's any other available option around. Kurt could let himself been thrown into dumpsters in order to avoid main conflicts, and still half an hour later he'd look perfect and have a smile upon his face. Many people could say he was shallow (rather than brave) for doing that. But nobody could ever think Kurt was stupid. Because maybe Kurt wasn't a _genius_, but he's definitely smart enough to know that Finn Hudson was a very long shot.

Kurt had, after all, spent a ridiculous amount of time in his freshman year peering at Finn in the hallways, over his locker door, and even the dumpster episodes were a good opportunity to get a close look at Finn. And Kurt knew Finn was incorrigibly, _sadly_ straight. He saw how Finn looked at Quinn, his eyes lost in some kind of devotion. Kurt knew he didn't stand a real chance.

Still, Kurt was also an optimist. He believed people could change. And maybe that kind of change was asking too much but if there's _any _chance, even a very tiny one, he would like to be there so he could grab it. More than that, he would like to be _worthy _of that. It's just like loosing a few pounds or getting an A+ at some class. If you didn't work your ass off to get it, if you didn't truly deserve it, your goal just tasted wrong. So if Kurt had a chance to reach that special place inside Finn's heart, he knew he had to work for it. And he knew that kind of opportunity wouldn't fall from the sky. He had to climb there to get it.

Whatever it takes.

"I have no idea what you talking about." Even if that meant lying.

Puck was done with the laughing, but the grin was still there. That sharkish, _you-have-to-do-better-than-this_ grin.

"Don't play dumb with me, Hummel. It's obvious you didn't come here to throw that self-righteous speech over me just because it's the right thing to do. If you're so concerned about it, you could just send him an anonymous note or whatever. Finn probably wouldn't believe it anyway, but that would put doubt on him and eventually maybe the truth would come out."

Kurt must admit: Puck wasn't stupid either. He dropped his jaw a little bit, trying to come up with something, anything to say, but Puck wasn't done yet.

"You obviously don't have any reason to be concerned about my friendship with him. Hell, the way I see it you just expect me to do the 'right thing' so Finn would end up all heartbroken because of a girl. And at the same time he would know that it was _you_ who made _me_ do something about that. Then maybe he would think something like _'Why can't I give a chance to the boy who was so dedicated to me? And, man, look at that! He can't even get pregnant, so that freaking nightmare would never happen again!'_."

Kurt suddenly had this urge to laugh, but he held it back. Because the funniest thing wasn't even that Puck had just read him like an open book. It's that Puck didn't seem surprised (or mad) at all. His words sounded just like Puck had done all that before.

"You're smarter than you look." Kurt said and Puck snorts at him, his face just curious. "But I still think you should tell Finn the truth. If not for him, you should do it for yourself. I bet it's been strangling you."

"You don't know anything about me, Hummel."

That was not the answer Kurt expected. But Puck's right. Kurt didn't knew him outside the dumpsters, lockers, football practice and a very few inspired, but still flimsy moments at glee club. Otherwise Puck's a complete stranger. Somehow Kurt's suicidal plan was starting to just sound like a pointless one. How could Kurt ever manage to get a strange person to dance along with the song he wanted to compose?

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know you." Kurt turned his back to Puck, starting to pack his satchel. "But I _do _know you care about Quinn. You said she's the one who doesn't want to tell the truth and the way _I_ see it the fact she'd choose Finn over you must _freaking _hurt. I mean, it's your child too. Don't you have the right to make some of those decisions as well? Of course you could settle down and just watch Quinn and Finn give _your_ baby girl away. Or you could do something about it."

"Which part of _'I'm gonna swear until my grave Finn's the father'_ didn't you get, Hummel? There's nothing I can do."

Kurt lifted his satchel over his shoulder and stared at Puck. He noticed something like a shadow in Puck's eyes. Kurt recognized that. That's the same look his dad had in his eyes when the doctor told him Kurt's mom didn't make it. A shadow called helpless. Kurt can't help feel a little bit sorry for him.

"I have an idea." Kurt wasn't feeling exactly brave right now. It's something more like _confident_. "But before that I need to ask you a question and I need to know you're telling me the truth."

Puck only snorted again. "Can't promise you that."

With a sigh Kurt supposed that was a better answer than he expected anyway.

"Why did you sleep with your best friend's girlfriend?"

Kurt could tell Puck wasn't expecting that kind of question but he also had to admit that Puck recovered pretty quickly, grinning at him. The helpless shadow utterly vanished from his eyes.

"You stupid or what, Hummel? Because she's _hot_."

The words hit Kurt with the same force Puck had pushed him against that wall with earlier. His head aches and Kurt knew for sure he never felt so disgusted in his life (that includes the pee balloons incident). His words come out before he can even think about them.

"Forget it. Just... forget it." Kurt said as he walked towards the exit. "I won't tell anything to anyone."

"What do you mean by that?" Puck's voice hit him like a cold wave. Kurt never thought that the simple sound of someone's voice could do that to him. And he isn't remotely happy about that. Kurt didn't even turn his back as he spoke out.

"I mean that I'd rather have Finn be fooled by you two than that baby girl ever have someone like _you_ as a father."

The sound of his footsteps and heartbeat were the only things Kurt could hear all his way out of the locker room. He didn't even notice that Puck didn't follow him out.

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**A/N:** Hey you people! I would like to thank you for all your sweet reviews, alerts and favorites. That really makes my day brighter. ;D


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